I recently had a conversation with a coach about two little words that carry dramatically different weights: should and must.
We were talking about them in the context of taking action—especially when it comes to doing the things that move you toward your goals. What stuck with me is this: the word “should” is passive. The word “must” is action-oriented.
Should feels like something that’s expected of me—something I’m supposed to do because it’s the right thing or because someone else thinks I ought to. Must? That’s something I’m doing for myself. It’s stronger. It drives me forward instead of just nudging me along.
You can test this anytime. Right now, I’m sitting on the couch. No one’s home. The fireplace is crackling on Netflix. And I’m thinking:
I should shower.
Versus: I must shower.
Try it – say the two phrases out loud – do you feel the difference?
“Must” makes me want to get up right now. “Should” makes me think, ugh, I have to do this because I’m going out soon and I should be presentable. And what does presentable even mean in the context of “should”? It’s what’s expected of me by the people I’ll be with. I should be clean, have my makeup done, wear festive clothes, be warm and happy and engaging.
kind of sounds like a drag.
Because what I want to do is sit here a little longer, soak up the quiet of the house, and write about the difference between should and must.
I must sit here and write this because I’m inspired and I don’t want to lose my train of thought. I must write this because I want to use it when I’m talking to clients about their goals—and more importantly, when I’m helping them figure out what their real goal is. The one that will actually drive them forward.
I should shower because I’m meeting friends today. I must write this—I’m inspired, the moment is now. Must is an action. It propels me. Should is a nice-to-have. I should get clean, but really? My friends won’t mind if I’m not. I can postpone a should until either the crunch of time forces me to do it—some outside pressure that compels me—or I decide there’s something else I must do because it’s more meaningful.
So What’s the Challenge?
Next time you’re working toward a goal and you catch yourself saying, “I should…” stop for a second. Take a look at why you’re using that word. Who’s behind the should—is it you? A friend? A family member?
Then look at the bigger goal. Is it something you really want, or has the goal been set for you because it’s expected?
If it’s something you genuinely want, try reframing how you talk to yourself about it. Instead of “I should shower,” try “I must shower.” Do you feel the shift? (When I tested it, I felt a sudden pull in my chest—a tug to complete the task.)
If you don’t feel that shift, keep going. Ask yourself: “Why do I want to accomplish this?” Then ask “Why is that important?” And again. And again. Ask why five times to get to the root of the goal.
If it turns out this is something you want, reframe what you need to do by using “must.” For example: I must do this because when I accomplish X, I’ll be that much closer to launching my business, starting my podcast, writing my book.
Give this a try – see how it moves you towards aligning your actions with your goal.